I just wrote 6 pages in word about the last 4 years of my life...

It was a little startling, and a little too honest.

It mostly revolved around the two guys i dated.

The mistakes.

The 3 deaths.

The cancer scare.

Honestly, I would post it, but I have no idea how people would take it, because I am never that honest with everything like I was tonight. It was refreshing.

I think it would accidentally hurt feelings, and I don't want that, or to belittle anything.

But I really suggest just taking a hard look at the last few years of your life, and writing about all the major moments, and being totally honest with yourself about your actions.

Do you see that you were wrong? What you should have done differently? Understand why people don't like you? Can't figure out why some still do?

Maybe it's just me, but it was really eye opening.

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So I bought my own Christmas tree for my apartment. I am going to make new holiday memories with my friends instead of my Dad. The weirdest thing in the world is to go buy a Christmas tree alone....first of all it was hard to find one I liked that I knew would fit on top of my tiny car.
But the tree boys at Home Depot were really nice and showed me all the trees and tired it to my car. I mean I was the only freak buying a tree in the rain. But i needed it to fall by tomorrow night, so i had to buy one today.
It's extremely adorable. It's shorter then trees i normally like. It's about my height if not a little shorter. It reminded me of Charlie Brown, and I don't need anything huge anyway. I will have to put a photo up of it when it is all decorated.
I'm excited to have Nikki and Erin come over and have a single girl party while decorating my little tree.
Really what's more fun then decorating a tree, while talking about guys, baking cookies, watching holiday movies and drinking martini's ?! Nothing that's what.
:-)

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Dad,

How hard is it to be a dad? Not that hard.
You have made so many mistakes…and I have forgiven most of them.
Yet…you just keep making them.
Keep ruining things….it’s your fault we are not close.
I can’t even yell at you because you would cry.
But it’s okay for you to make me cry…

I have given you so much slack…
You missed everything in my life. There are literally 3 photo’s of us from 5th grade to my high school graduation. Therefore making any type of a scrapbook of us is really out of the question.

…You cheated on mom…you think because I was 10 I didn’t know what you were doing. But you are an ass for that.

You should never have a negative thing to say about my mother because she has given everything up for you. Yet you just walk all over her and make her cry. She deserves so much better. Maybe when I graduate and she finally has the guts to leave you will see how amazing she is.

Maybe then you will see everything you missed. I can’t believe you have the balls to say she was beautiful once…now her beauty is on the inside. What kind of a vain SOB are you? I should have told you I had to photoshop a photo of the two of you because you looked to fucking old. She might not be the thinnest but so what, she is so beautiful and you can’t even see it.

I have not let myself become upset with you this year because I know it was hard losing Nana and Pap-Pap last winter. But I also thought that would make you cherish what you have more. I thought that you would want to make my last Holiday Season at home something special….

I don’t understand how you can always want to leave our house to watch football when I am home. Fucking record it! All I wanted was to have a family night of putting the tree up and decorating it. But you have to try and leave. And catching me crying was the only reason you stayed home. Then all you even do it put the lights on the tree, walk out of the room and turn the game on…it was the ravens!! Not even your team, the Ravens were more important then spending time with your family?! Really?? You suck at everything

Making me putting the decorations on the tree alone was your last chance with me.
I am over trying to have a relationship with you.
You missed my life. You missed 8th grade graduation, you missed all my plays, you missed my concerts, you missed homecomings, you missed Proms, you missed me getting my heart broken for the first time, you missed me crashing my car, you missed EVERYTHING for work. What about now?? You have been around for 5 years yet know nothing, you don’t try, you don’t really care when it works for you. Then it’s always something not fun and you make rude comments and I feel weird. When you wake up and realize all of this, I won’t be waiting.

Mom is all I need, so just leave me alone.

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Why today is a good day:

I drastically changed my hair and many people say they love it and i look more adult and that all fun stuff. They say i look like a graduating college student on the hunt for her first job....which is exactly the look i am going for.

Also i have finally made a dent in my history take home exam...good thing since it's due tomorrow

I earned a 100 on my programming mid term, and i think i did pretty well on my law exam as well!

Today is my presentation for a case study and once it is over with i don't have to worry about that class until the 19th of November.

Many people have texted me today which makes me feel very loved

It didn't snow which is sad, but it was cold enough for me to wear my new lovely jacket so i was excited.

It looks like i may not have to wear a costume to the party friday which would be awesome i always feel awkward in costumes.

The Today show reminded me this morning that it is less then a week until my 21st Birthday.

I am also happy since old friends have been coming out of the wood work at of late.... People like Jimmy, Michelle, Geoff (and i have become friends with his gf Cody who is amazingly awesome with daily hello there texts), and Chris
But really it would be the two Jordan's that surprised me the most and brought big smiles to me face. First with Jenson, who is away in the Middle East, contacted me to tell me how nice i am and that he misses me and will be writing letters very soon. And second Bass and i had a lovely 2 hour chat the other day. And he also told me i am a good friend and he gushed about his situations and i gushed about mine and all that stuff. It's nice when people you care about take the time to let you know your friendship is important to them.

yeah so i guess that's a lot of the reasons as to why i am so content these days....

friends are wonderful, cherish them always
<3

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